Continuing The Conversation: A Mother Without A Conscience

For the 2nd time I choose to address this subject.
My mother couldn't handle not being the center of attention. Being a child I often would strive for recognition. She couldn't handle that. Her anger was so bad, I have such physical pain to this day. I still get nervous if someone is behind me. I never know what to expect. Fortunately through the years things have gotten better. Though I do not expect to have normal reactions ever.
I understand evil. I have watched it from close up. I have thought about it as an adult. Why do we care about each other so much. I am also so grateful that we do. I know first hand what it is like when somebody doesn't care. I know several people that have made a difference in my life through the years. There are even too many to count.
If biology was the only factor then surely society wouldn't be where it is today. We need to compromise often at a great expense and sometimes for others that we do not even know. Often we give up things that we worked hard for for others. I have done so myself.
I know that other people are atheist because of evil. Evil is not letting your conscious in. How do they explain self sacrifice, kindness or just love? I have thought about this a lot. I too question often the existence of a higher power, but how can we explain caring about others?
I have observed first hand what it is like around somebody that puts themselves first. Believe me, if too many people are like that we humanity could not of evolved to where it is today.
Yet could my mother have been devoid of all conscious? Psychologists that have studied this question believe so. I am not a professional psychologist or psychiatrist. However my childhood was spent observing someone that most likely fits into that category. I am not sure, can we really ever know what somebody else is really thinking? She might of had bouts of caring. I am convinced that my mother was an extremely lonely person. Though she was incapable of real love, she most likely wanted others to love her. She confused getting people to feeling sorry for her as love. She was always frustrated after a while when she would realize her mistake. She would stay up all night ranting about how she was wronged.

Sometimes I feel too frightened to go on. Then I am encouraged by the outpouring of kindness being sent out worldwide to Japan or any other tragedy and I know that tomorrow I will get up and be ready for a new day. I too will do my part and give as humble as the amount will be. I care what happens and I hope and pray for the survivors of this terrible tragedy. 

Was my mother a sociopath?

Even having to ask that question is very sad, if she wasn't it means that she was very sick and it prevented her from using her conscience. There were times that I still don't understand how I got to continue in my life. I try to counter act every bit of cruelty that was used against me or when I watched her be mean to others with some type of kindness. When ever I find myself sad or frustrated I try to make a I try to make a point of going out of my way to be nice to somebody. That is the only thing that I could do. I feel so bad when I meet somebody and they are finding life hard because of something unfair of that somebody has done something mean to them. Often this means that they don't have a job, violence or anything else that could of been prevented, I think of my mother and how manipulative she was. I know that I must find a way to do some random kindness it is the only thing to do.
Anger though I have been there will get you nowhere. The challenge is to stay calm and and let your frustration give way to concern for others that are having a hard time for whatever reason.

Two things prompted this discussion. I had a costumer that was unfairly fired. Somebody came in to meet her and explained the awful circumstances and I was able to see that she wasn't healthy. Both those things meant that she was having a hard time at life. I went out of my way not only to give her a great deal like I always do. (I always offer what is suitable and what are the best offers available according to some one's needs and desires). I also told the truth that I thought that she was a very likable person and I meant it. The second thing was I heard on the radio about a woman that lost her mother. She had a massive stroke and died. After that she would cry every month on those days. She found that the best therapy was to dedicate those days to random acts of kindness in her mother's name. Well for different reasons I have been doing the same, just not on particular days. These two thing for some reason means that it is time to get his out of my head and write about it. I believe that the best type of therapy is kindness. It has a way of being infectious. In other words kindness leads to more. Just like meanness leads to more. The only way to stop a trend is to do the opposite and it makes us feel better.
I wish us all a Happy Purim or Chag Semeach