Third and Final Installment of Living With a Conscience

This discussion I plan on bringing together for my "Devar Torah" before we begin the Pesach Seder at my home this year. I want to bring in a discussion of counting the Omer. I will discuss the practice of using the 7 emotions and practicing them. The link that I provide is from Aish.com However I chose them because I liked their layout and explanation the best. I do not feel that you need to be Orthodox to practice this. I see it as a tool to make us better people. For those of us with a conscience I think that it is something that needs to be nurtured. Judaism has many ways of doing this but counting the Omer is in my opinion a perfect fit and it is coming up so I thought it is a chance to discuss it and tie it in with what is going on in my mind.

Mirrium II Dancing and Full of Hope

My childhood was laced with missed opportunities to help me. Yet there were a few adults that attempted and even succeeded to intervene and made small but significant differences in my often sorry life. What was different between those individuals that wanted to help me and the others that knew but couldn't bring themselves to interfere. Were they asleep? I know sometimes you need to function, sometimes you need to get the job done. 
For instance; I know using fossil fuels are bad but we must get to work, bring in groceries and etc. So when can we put our conscience to rest and when do we need it. Can we develop an awareness of who we are and set the boundaries? Can we learn to use the car less and plenish the Earth in other ways. Perhaps support industries that are "Green". The point is there are times where we need to rest our moral thought in order to function. Maybe put it on a low light. The problem is that we forget it is there or worst we are afraid to use it. We just go to sleep morally. People don't realize that they can and must use the conscience it is what makes a difference. The other issue is having the personal strength. Sometimes we cannot bring ourselves to do what is right. 
Sadly, my mother had the personal strength. She never  considered the other person's feelings at all. I remember her getting in arguments with people at restaurants and retail stores. She would file a complaint then return in a few days to see if that person still worked there. If so she would go to management and demand answers. A typical statement was; "I will not rest until this person is fired". Often it was something trivial that she wished to cause such harm in someone's life. She claimed it was principles put I am definitely sure that it was the lack of them. But one thing is for sure she was empowered. 
That is what I wish for the rest of us. To be empowered to do the right thing. It can be difficult if you know of a child at risk, it can be considered interfering yet we must do it. What about a co-worker getting the blame unfairly, what about helping someone looking for a job. Can we go to our employer and help that person get that position. I know there are times when we can't or shouldn't, yet most of times they are missed opportunities to help out.
I suggest that we use this year counting of the Omer to empower ourselves. 
For myself every time I do a Tikkun or work on my conscience I am taking baby steps forward in the world of damage that my mother and others like her have caused.
Going back to my original statement, no I don't yet understand why most of us care so much about each other. However, yes I am glad that we do and I embrace it. I also plan on using this period for a self Tikkun. That way I hope I will be empowered to continue do help others when I see an opportunity.
Finally I would like to leave you with one of my favorite quotes form our Jewish texts. Empowerment is being for ourselves and of course the rest will be easier.

“If I am not for myself, who will be for me?

 If I am only for myself, what am I? 

 If not now, when?” 

Pirki Avot, 1:14, Hillel

Happy Passover!

Continuing The Conversation: A Mother Without A Conscience

For the 2nd time I choose to address this subject.
My mother couldn't handle not being the center of attention. Being a child I often would strive for recognition. She couldn't handle that. Her anger was so bad, I have such physical pain to this day. I still get nervous if someone is behind me. I never know what to expect. Fortunately through the years things have gotten better. Though I do not expect to have normal reactions ever.
I understand evil. I have watched it from close up. I have thought about it as an adult. Why do we care about each other so much. I am also so grateful that we do. I know first hand what it is like when somebody doesn't care. I know several people that have made a difference in my life through the years. There are even too many to count.
If biology was the only factor then surely society wouldn't be where it is today. We need to compromise often at a great expense and sometimes for others that we do not even know. Often we give up things that we worked hard for for others. I have done so myself.
I know that other people are atheist because of evil. Evil is not letting your conscious in. How do they explain self sacrifice, kindness or just love? I have thought about this a lot. I too question often the existence of a higher power, but how can we explain caring about others?
I have observed first hand what it is like around somebody that puts themselves first. Believe me, if too many people are like that we humanity could not of evolved to where it is today.
Yet could my mother have been devoid of all conscious? Psychologists that have studied this question believe so. I am not a professional psychologist or psychiatrist. However my childhood was spent observing someone that most likely fits into that category. I am not sure, can we really ever know what somebody else is really thinking? She might of had bouts of caring. I am convinced that my mother was an extremely lonely person. Though she was incapable of real love, she most likely wanted others to love her. She confused getting people to feeling sorry for her as love. She was always frustrated after a while when she would realize her mistake. She would stay up all night ranting about how she was wronged.

Sometimes I feel too frightened to go on. Then I am encouraged by the outpouring of kindness being sent out worldwide to Japan or any other tragedy and I know that tomorrow I will get up and be ready for a new day. I too will do my part and give as humble as the amount will be. I care what happens and I hope and pray for the survivors of this terrible tragedy. 

Was my mother a sociopath?

Even having to ask that question is very sad, if she wasn't it means that she was very sick and it prevented her from using her conscience. There were times that I still don't understand how I got to continue in my life. I try to counter act every bit of cruelty that was used against me or when I watched her be mean to others with some type of kindness. When ever I find myself sad or frustrated I try to make a I try to make a point of going out of my way to be nice to somebody. That is the only thing that I could do. I feel so bad when I meet somebody and they are finding life hard because of something unfair of that somebody has done something mean to them. Often this means that they don't have a job, violence or anything else that could of been prevented, I think of my mother and how manipulative she was. I know that I must find a way to do some random kindness it is the only thing to do.
Anger though I have been there will get you nowhere. The challenge is to stay calm and and let your frustration give way to concern for others that are having a hard time for whatever reason.

Two things prompted this discussion. I had a costumer that was unfairly fired. Somebody came in to meet her and explained the awful circumstances and I was able to see that she wasn't healthy. Both those things meant that she was having a hard time at life. I went out of my way not only to give her a great deal like I always do. (I always offer what is suitable and what are the best offers available according to some one's needs and desires). I also told the truth that I thought that she was a very likable person and I meant it. The second thing was I heard on the radio about a woman that lost her mother. She had a massive stroke and died. After that she would cry every month on those days. She found that the best therapy was to dedicate those days to random acts of kindness in her mother's name. Well for different reasons I have been doing the same, just not on particular days. These two thing for some reason means that it is time to get his out of my head and write about it. I believe that the best type of therapy is kindness. It has a way of being infectious. In other words kindness leads to more. Just like meanness leads to more. The only way to stop a trend is to do the opposite and it makes us feel better.
I wish us all a Happy Purim or Chag Semeach